I Am Mom.

New Blog

2011-11-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

Hey, I've set up a new blog at Beyond Relevance. Come check it out, and while you're at it, go ahead and subscribe if you like what you see. I've got a mixture of things from rants to crafts!!

New post

2011-09-23T10:17:00.002-05:00

I have posted a new blog at Word Press.

http://www.beyond-relevance.com/

Subscribe!

New Blog

2011-08-22T09:46:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about getting a bit more serious about writing my blogs. I desire to bring creativity into my heart so much, and I believe that writing is one of the tools that will do that. I've decided, though, that I'm going to change blog programs, and I've got my own site! Beyond Relevance will house my blogs. If you follow me here, please click the link and follow me there!! If you DON'T follow me here, please click on the link and follow me there! ;-) It is a work in progress, and some of blogs here will show up there - only rewritten a bit.

See you at Beyond Relevance!

Terri

They Will Know We are Christians by Our Love

2011-08-20T08:37:00.002-05:00

Warning: The following contains a not so nice post. I'm ranting, if you will. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with cynicism or criticism.

You were warned.

I have just about had it with Christians - and I am one. And by that I mean that I believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, he is the Son of God, he died and was victorious over death and by that sacrifice and miracle, I am a Daughter of the KING. I believe that. For most of my life, I have been very busy in 'ministry'. I've been a Sunday School teacher, a VBS director, youth leader, worship leader, worship team member, I wrote curriculum for nearly everything. I loved being involved. For years, though, I'd look around and wonder why we really weren't making much of a difference in our world.

And then I stepped out of my bubble - my nice little church bubble where all the people were Christians and were members of my church, and all my friends were Christians, too. I liked that climate controlled bubble, and I've got to admit that some days I long for that comfort and that kinship. It can wear on a soul to be on the outside, because being out here nearly brings me to tears every day.

Because out here the masks are off and the smiles are gone.

Years ago, I announced through an ad in the local paper that I was a Christian mom seeking to provide day care for children in my home. I ran that ad for over a month, and it went unanswered. I was a bit surprised that when I took the word 'Christian' out of my ad the next month, I had more calls than I knew what to do with. I didn't understand that back then, but I have a very good idea now.

The world is skeptical of Christians. And rightfully so.

I have seen a lot of ugly stuff in my job as a child welfare worker. I knew I would when I first started, but I've been a bit surprised at the type of ugly I have seen. When I first started my job and I needed to find a home for a child, I would hope that a Christian home could be found. I had this idea that a hurting, abused, unloved child could experience the love of Jesus in a Christian home. And here's the ugly: I haven't found that to be true.

What I have found to be true is that these hurting, abused, unloved children become targets and projects. And they get to learn how they just don't measure up to our Christian expectations. They get to learn what is just not acceptable in the climate controlled bubble - The Can'ts if you will. Because, you see, many of us Christians get in to a rut, I think. We dress up so that we can fit in that perfect climate controlled bubble. We get our masks on, wear the perfect costumes. But we don't show love.

Quite frankly, Christians, it's time we step up and act like our Savior. We don't need a degree in Greek or Hermanuetical studies to get that. It is time to put down our building tools, Church. We don't need bigger, fancier, hipper stuff. We don't need programs and committees. We really don't need to have one more Bible study on the shelf to buy or one more meeting at the church to go to. We've had all that stuff and we still can't show the world Jesus.

Each one of us needs a mirror - the lighted, magnified make up mirrors that show every pore, blemish and wart.

We have not allowed the Holy Spririt to reign in us. We have not allowed the love of God to indwell in us. I think it's time that we get our noses out of our little rule books and we certainly need to quit slapping people around with our expectations. The world gets what we don't believe in. We tell them all the time.

Seriously. Have we ever thought of giving water to a thirsty person for the sake of quenching his thirst?

In John's account of the Gospel, Jesus said that the whole world will know that we are his disciples by the love we show each other. Church, I have come to the conclusion that there might be a whole world full of Christians. I just don't think there are very many disciples.

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others,
I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others,
I would be nothing.
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;
but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless.

But love will last forever!
Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete,
and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture!
But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child.
But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror,
but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.
All that I know now is partial and incomplete,
but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

---Saint Paul, from the Bible

Creativity

2011-07-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

Since last summer, I have made a strong effort to regain my creative side. I can't even explain how dry my soul felt for a while. I kind of think I know how trees must feel in the winter.

Stuck.
Cold.
Dry.

I like that I've been able to create some crafts and sewing projects. It's been so fun, and I've got to tell you that I am starting to feel life inside of me.

It's growing.
And dreaming.
And budding.

I can hardly wait until the blooms!

Boy.

2011-07-17T13:18:00.004-05:00

It is hot. And we turned in to whimps. We finally put in our window air conditioner yesterday. I'm not so sure I like it...although I really do love that I'm not sitting and sweating. That's always nice. For years we didn't have an air conditioner! I felt all 'Mother Earth' gardening, preserving all the food and putting up with the heat. Gosh, I remember times that I would pack up the kids to go for a ride in the air conditioned car just to have a break from the heat.

For the most part, though, I really don't like the house all closed up and the sounds of the air conditioner and fans running. I LOVE feeling the breeze in the house. Today though? There's no breeze. Thank you, God for giving someone the ability to develop Freon.

I've been re-organizing my craft room. I've got more to sew, and I couldn't even turn around in there. I took everything off the shelves, scrubbed them down, organized the fabric and crafting accessories I have and basically got ready for round 2 of quilt making! (As soon as my 'walking foot' comes, I'll be quilting!) I am really impressed that I am able to get all that stuff in such a small little room. I thought about scaling down the volume of my craft materials. I did that many years ago, and it took YEARS to recover. We wouldn't want to go through that again...it was traumatizing.

But it is getting organized, which always makes me feel good. I wish I had learned how to maintain during my projects...like putting away items as I am done with them, throwing away scraps of fabric as they are snipped, etc. I just don't think it's in my genes. Well, it might be in the gene pool, but I must have swam far away!

Have a great week!

A Quilt Top is Made!!

2011-07-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

Despite the heat, I have been able complete the quilt top that I started last weekend. I'm so excited!! I fudged on the couple of pieces that I cut wrong, but I couldn't see paying extra for more fabric....so, mistakes and all, here's my first attempt at a quilt. I kind of figured out the pattern as I was going, which is just my way, I suppose.

I don't think the colors show really well. The oranges look kind of peachie in this photo, and the turquoise is light...I like the quilt in person. The colors are really bright.

I will be purchasing the back and the batting this week and then I will hopefully start the quilting process!! We'll see how that goes. I've never done anything like this before. I'm going to use my machine, which is probably cheating, but I can't even imagine trying to quilt this by hand in this heat.

I will keep you posted on my progress!

A Lost Blue Denim Jumper and Building Mountains

2011-07-10T09:45:00.003-05:00

Years ago, I borrowed a cute pregnant jumper from my friend Diana. It was the early 90s, and we were both homeschooling moms, so if you guessed that it was a denim jumper, you would be correct. What I especially liked about it was that it had enough room to accommodate a growing belly, but wasn't one of those tent dresses that was so popular. Seriously. Some of those pregnant dresses were like wearing actual tents! So, anyway, this was an unassuming denim jumper that I just loved and wore a lot while I was pregnant with Jordan.

The jumper found its way to the back of my closet during the last month of my pregnancy because as accommodating as it was for my growing belly, Jordan grew so much that this sweet jumper just couldn't keep up and a pretty, soft pink jumper of the tent variety soon took its place. Some months after Jordan was born, Diana found out she was pregnant, so she called asking if I could return the jumper.

Thinking I could just go to my closet and pull it out, I told her I would bring it right over. (She lived across the street.) It wasn't there. I was mortified!! The only thing that I could think of is that the jumper had been mistakenly placed in my give away box and would have made it to Goodwill. Shoot.

I called Diana, and apologized profusely, telling her I would buy her a new jumper. She stopped me in mid-sentence and said a phrase that has had staying power in my life. "You are more important to me than a silly jumper."

Talk about a relationship builder! This sounds so cliche', but that phrase was implanted in my mind that day and has often come to the fore front when dealing with broken antique plates, chairs or ruined ceilings. I have to admit, though, I have often fought the urge to throw out the phrase, " I can't have anything nice!" (and have on many occasions). The times I have said, "You are more important to me than _______", were the times that relationships were strengthened. I remember just how loved and important I felt that day, and I know that the impact that phrase has had when I have remembered to say it has been positive.

Our words are so powerful that they can build or destroy. When I am irritated, it's especially important that I take pause and choose my words carefully. I really want to build mountains - I don't want to strip mine my relationships.

I did find that blue jumper. Funny thing. It was in the back of Terry's closet. Go figure.

On to Another Project!

2011-07-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to make a quilt for a long time, but recently I found some fabric that I just loved. It's so whimsical and a bit retro!! I bought a bunch of fabric without really knowing what I was doing. I didn't have a pattern, have never quilted, but thought, "Eh...what's the worst that can happen?" No one would really have to know; unless I blogged about it. So, if I fail, there will be a chance of laughter.

I will keep you posted on the progress of the quilt. So far, I have the top almost done. I believe I want to add some borders. I have it in my mind, and have even dreamt about how I would create this quilt. So, we'll see how it works.

It all started when I saw this wheel of fabric sitting on the fabric store's shelves. Perfect for what had been twirling around in my mind the last few weeks!! I sewed these strips together. There were enough in each wheel to get three blocks of strips sewn! I bought two wheels so I would have enough to have six rectangles of stripes! Very cute idea. Very cute.

Here I have one rectangle block put together. They measure about 15 1/2 inches wide and, well...somewhere around two feet or so long. It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to lay it all out. I had Alyssa and Kimi sitting in the living room watching a movie while I was placing blocks all around the living room floor! Fun Times!!

I bought several packages of these pieces of fabrics. I think they're something similar to fat quarters, but I'm not sure. I still take offense to the name of the fat quarters. Really? They can't help it!

And here is one strip done. I will show you the other strips later. They are actually all stacked under this top one. This will no doubt be a busy quilt, but I like it. I'm looking forward to seeing it done! I am also looking forward to sharing my end product with you!!

Be blessed!

I love you more!

2011-07-02T18:24:00.001-05:00

My cousin Julie passed away yesterday, and my mind is full. When someone I know and love dies, part of my grieving process is to reminisce about good things in my life. And like the saying goes, the good things in my life aren't things.

I spent the morning with my mom and dad because even though I am 48 years old, to be honest, when I hurt, the first place I go is home to my mom and dad. We spent time talking and laughing and remembering stories, and when I got ready to leave, I told my mom that I loved her. She smiled and called over her shoulder as she was walking to her door, "I love you more!" God, what a gift you've given me!

In my family we say, "I love you." A lot. And we hug. A lot.

It's been that way my whole life. In fact, as I look back, I find it kind of funny that I was almost an adult before I realized that there were a lot of people who just weren't like us. There were some people - even in our extended families - who weren't natural huggies and probably weren't all that keen on having a little dark-headed-snot-nosed-kid hugging them but were too polite to say anything.

Our tradition includes hugging when you see someone for the first time that day, and then hugging before that person leaves. Lots of times there are hugs just for good measure. Some people, I'm sure, might think that hugging that much might lead to hugs becoming routine. Maybe. But I've got to tell you, there are just some epic hugs that are what love is all about.

Like the time I failed my swimming test because I was too afraid to dive off the 'tower' and swim in the 10 foot. My dad found me hiding in my closet and didn't say too much. He asked if I tried. I said yes. And then he asked me if I wanted to go fishing. When I climbed out of the closet, he wrapped his strong arms around me and told me that as long as I tried, he was alright with me and I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Or the times my mom hugged my pregnant belly and told my babies that Grammy loved them and that she couldn't wait to see them.
And the time I was holding it together at the hospital until I saw my dad and he grabbed a hold of me and I was able to cling to him and be his child in incredible pain as we said goodbye to Ben.

Oh, and the time I surprised my family by coming home from college a week earlier than planned. I saw my little brothers playing basketball and when they saw me, they dropped their game and came runnning to greet me. They lifted me up and twirled me around!

And my sister, on my wedding day before I walked down the aisle. She whispered for me to take it all in and I did. I remember the fragrance of the roses and the candles and the beautiful music and my handsome groom waiting for me.

I could go on and on and on and probably will in my mind. Memories are just swirling around today like nobody's business. If I thought that Julie could hear me, I would tell her again that I loved her, and that she was a part of so many lovely memories from my childhood and that I am so thankful to have had her in my life. And I would hug her if I could.

Cause that's what we do.

Hot. Hot. Hot.

2011-06-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

I think I"m getting old. I say that because I remember hearing old people say things like, "When we were kids, we didn't have color tv and we got along just fine." Or, "When we were kids, we had to walk where ever we went, and we were just fine."

Today, though, as I read all the heat advisory warnings and I glanced at the thermometer, I had to stop and think, "When did 90s become too hot?" And then it happened. I started thinking back to when I was a kid. We didn't have air conditioning back then. (We still don't, although my parents do NOW!) Really, very few people did. Businesses around town weren't climate controlled and walking around town you'd see windows open, people on their porches and kids on their bikes. A drive around the square would bring you to all the Old Timers sitting on the benches and talking up a storm. And we were just fine! Oh, dear.

I remember in the dog days of summer - when it didn't even cool down at night - my brothers and sister and I would sleep out on the back patio - until that pincher bug grabbed Nise, but that's another story. We'd all four lie on cement and sleep under the stars, but not until we had exhausted all conversation. Amazing how siblings can chatter.

So tonight, it's warm. But there is a lovely breeze and looking out across the field, I see the intermittent glowing of lightning bugs, and I am thankful. And I miss Denise, Darin and Matt tonight....cause there are stars, and lightning bugs and I think the DDT got rid of all the pincher bugs.

Small Town Livin' (written a year ago)

2011-06-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

When all this cancer stuff started in April, my husband and I decided that we would wait to tell people until we were sure what was going on. My work buddies and I were at the Mexican restaurant in town, and I spotted a lovely woman I know who is battling breast cancer. I went over to say 'hey,' and I blurted out to her that I might have cancer. What the heck! Anyway, she hugged me and kissed the top of my head when she got ready to leave, and she told me she would be thinking of me.

Fast forward this little roller coaster we've been on for the last couple of months. My parents were at my house eating dinner with us, when we noticed Madeline drive up. She came to the door and explained that she had been worried about me and decided to try to find me!! I was speechless. And I felt extremely loved.

I think one of the benefits of living in a small town (and maybe one of its curses) is that just going through life, you get to know people in a way that would be impossible in a city. Thank you, Madeline, for loving me and showing me how much you care!

I Am Tired.

2011-06-26T16:33:00.000-05:00

I've thought today that I should change the name of my blog to I Am Tired. I most certainly am very, very tired. And relieved.

This week has been pretty exciting in my life. We had tornadoes on Tuesday, literally all around us. It was a charged kind of night in more ways than one. On the way home from work, I learned that there were tornado warnings everywhere. There had been a tornado outside of Greenfield and it was heading east. We're East of Greenfield. The sky was ominous to say the least.

My heart stayed in my throat for most of the evening. Jordan is in Creston and there were two tornadoes that touched down there. Alyssa, Ross and Abe were in town in three separate places. Aly and Abe finally made it home before Storm Number Two hit, carrying huge hail! Actually they were walking to our house when all of a sudden huge balls of ice started falling from the sky! You should have seen our yard COVERED by golf-ball sized hail.
Incredible.

Thankfully, no one sustained injuries. Many of our neighbors and friends have lost some property and live stock, but our neighbors are safe.

I am hoping to have a night very soon during which there are no storms, no lightning, no thunder and no radios going off warning of impending danger.

Cause. I. Am. Tired.

Worms, Dogs and Sundays.

2011-06-26T15:01:00.001-05:00

I thought some of my worms had died. Today, I spent some time stirring the almost wormless trays and cleaning out the stinking water basin, and I found that the worms had migrated up to the top tray! I still think we might have lost a few due to the compost getting too wet. I guess there is a learning curve to creating a worm farm. Terry used some of the 'worm tea' on his tomatoes! (We'll see if it's as magical and 'they' say it is!)

I'm hoping stirring up the trays and getting them not so wet and compact will be good for the worms. They have certainly eaten a lot of stuff! I'm a little disappointed in how slow they decompose stuff, though. If I didn't live with a household of carnivores, we'd have to have four or five worm farms to keep up with all our veggies waste! Hopefully we'll get in a groove with it. I was able to free up one of the trays, so that seems like it is good news. That and it doesn't stink. Well, the 'tea' stinks, but the rest of the compost smells like dirt. Which is offensive to some, I suppose. I like it.

Poor Molly. She is dejected. I have misplaced my shedding brush and she looks horrid. She has all this matted fur under her top coat, so today I almost shaved the back end of her and then washed her good. She looks kind of like a goofy poodle only goofier because she ISN'T a poodle. Poor dog. I'm hoping to find that brush soon! She has probably gone and found something stinky to roll in (like the 'worm tea' Terry put out on his tomatoes). That would be just like her. Lovely.

Today has been nice. I've puttered and I'll scrub a couple of rooms, but for the most part, I'm having a nice restful Sunday. Tonight all my kids are going to be here for supper. Yes. They all live back at home, but we rarely see everyone together. Tonight is LASAGNE!!! (I know how to get my boys to come home. lol)

Random Thoughts

2011-06-21T16:47:00.001-05:00

I just spent some time going over my older blogs and the statistics Blogger provides. Evidently there are 3 people in Belgium who have found my blog. I thought that was interesting.

Sometimes I get pretty overwhelmed with my job, and it seems to sap my creative energy. Last year, I made a pact with myself that I would work at maintaining that creative flow. Last summer I started working on my garden - trying to reclaim its beauty. I've continued this year (when it isn't raining or a bazillion and 4 degrees outside) to work toward that goal. Last year Terry and the boys built a deck on the front of our house. This year, I pulled plants I want to save from another area of my garden to plant around the deck. It's so pretty!!

This clematis I planted last year. It's made it to the top of the deck and is getting a lot bushier. I love its color! The coreopsis daisy that is behind is one of the plants that I reclaimed. My good friend Donna gave me a couple of starts from her garden years ago. I divided it up and planted some around my deck. Lovely.

This is a beautiful lily that I planted last year. I think it was on a clearance shelf a the end of the year! It's it beautiful!! The varigated sedum behind it is one of the plants that was here when we bought the place. You don't often see this variety. I've divided it and shared it so many times!!

This is Ben's Tonka truck. About 25 years old and has lived outside all of its life! I plant flowers in it ever year. This year I put in some rocks and then some moss rose. It's a nice reminder that he lives on.

Coral Bells, hosta, sedum from my friend Donna, more hosta, creeping geranium and creeping phlox. Oh...and the angel guiding the little boy? Precious.

More of the clematis in completely full bloom. Such beauty. And, of course, what garden isn't complete without a random stuffed animal thrown in for good measure?

My co-worker Denise gave me this hibiscus last year. She actually gave me two, but the white one didn't make it. Might have been the chickens pecking at it. This is actually about a foot and a half. I'm anxious to see how this grows this year. It had the most beautiful hot pink blossoms!

More to follow, I'm sure. My goals this year in my garden: 1) to get the water flowing right; 2) to finish the pathway 3) to add a little 'patio on the lower part of the garden.

We'll see how that goes. I'm less than ambitious most days. ;-)

Homemade Chenille Blanket

2011-05-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

I have been having fun on StumbleUpon.com, that's for sure! It's given me some great resources for crafting. I'm becoming quite a Blog Junkie!!

One day in my happy stupor, I ran across this great site that gave a great tutorial on making an heirloom chenille blanket. Well, I had to make one! I do, after all have a pseudo grandbaby coming any day now! http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2kPxsp/homemade.tipjunkie.com/go%3Fid%3D421

Here's how my turned out. I love it. A lot.

Sock Monkey Hat and New Years

2011-01-03T10:50:00.004-06:00

I really love StumbleUpon.com. I've enjoyed a lot of the creativity I see from folks out there. Recently, I stumbled upon a Sock Monkey HAT!! Well, I had to try it. I found a pattern off of Etsy.com from Shelley Tudor. (http://www.etsy.com/shop/sockmonkeykook?ref=pr_shop)She does a great job explaining, and quite frankly, she is about as friendly as could be, so it was even better to buy the pattern from her!

I found some wool yarn at Joann's, and it was even better because they were having a great sale on it. I think it took about 1/2 a skein to make this little lady. I had fun making this one, and turns out that I'll be needing to figure out how to make BIG sock monkey hats, because my adult children want one. This should be interesting!

I plan to give this to an adorable little girl whom I cherish. Her parents may object to her wearing such a thing, but I will never know. ;-)

I am not making any New Years Resolutions this year. I plan on keeping my Post Cancer Surgery Resolutions, though. I will keep crafting and sewing and crocheting. It just makes my heart light.

Happy New Year!

Addendum to my blog post: I figured out how to make an adult sock monkey hat! I used Catie's pattern as a model for my adult hat (http://doahdiddy.blogspot.com/
2010/03/sock-monkey-hat-pattern.html ) although I still needed to add to it. Maybe people in Iowa have bigger heads than everyone else. ;-) Abe is happy with it. There are some things that I will need to change, though...like the way I place the ear flaps...I made it weird so he is actually wearing his hat backwards. He doesn't know, but I would feel better if the next wearers of my hats were able to wear them normally.

I wish my gramma was still here. She could be a GREAT resource.

Crafting is just about the best thing ever. At least today.

2010-12-20T06:27:00.001-06:00

Crafting on a Weekend

One of the things that I was reminded of when I was recuperating from surgery last summer was that in the recent past, I have neglected my creative side. It's easy to do, really. By the time a mom chases after her family and puts in a full day of work, it's easy to get bogged down. I realized that I need those creative outlets, or I get kind of dry on the inside, so I made a resolution to make sure I spend time on the weekends creating. You've seen some of the ideas I've had with my house. (and no, I'm not done) But I thought I would share what I did this weekend.

Project #1

I saw some Coffee Cozies (or sleeves) when I was using StumbleUpon.com, so I decided to try my hand at it. You probably can't tell by the photo, but this little sleeve has the most adorable pleats ever. Just sayin. Here it is dressing up a disposable cup. I need to tweak the pattern just a bit, but I like my first one. Too bad I don't generally drink coffee out of disposable cups. :-) It's supposed to save the planet or something by re-using these sleeves instead of using the disposable cardboard sleeves from the stores. Personally I think you should bring your own cup, if you're worried about the environment, but that's another discussion.

Project #2

My husband gifted me with an early Christmas present last week: a Cricut Expression. I have been having a blast getting to know my way around the thing. I put it to good use with this project! I cut out letters, and circles of cute paper and then "Mod Podged" the paper to the wooden disks. I think the finished project turned out really cute!

Project #3

It was only a matter of minutes after making these alphabet disks that I realized if I was going to gift them, I should really make a bag to put them in to. So, looking through my piles of fabric, I found cute little girls stuff. I wish my sewing machine would have worked well...sometimes it decides to get fussy...Fussy machine and all, I think this turned out okay.

Too bad Christmas is this week. I'm in the mood to get more stuff done! (And Darin, the vacuum cleaner cover is a moot point.)

ciabatta bread

2010-11-07T07:27:00.000-06:00

I like Stumble Upon.com. I not only waste a ton of time going from website to website, but I have stumbled upon some pretty great finds. A few weeks ago, I found a recipe for "One Minute Ciabatta Bread" from LifeHack.org.

It's simple. You put 1 tsp. salt, 1/4 tsp. yeast, 2 cups of water and 4 cups of flour in a bowl. Stir until everything is mixed up and then cover. Set it aside for 8 to 12 hours or so. When I'm ready to bake, I dump the dough onto my stone pizza pan, and put in a hot over until it's done. (25 minutes...but I make sure the top is a nice golden brown.)

I LOVE this recipe. I'll often mix up the recipe early in the morning, and then bake it when I come home. It's great with soups! The bread is very similar to a sour dough recipe, without the constant worry of feeding just one more thing in my house!

Try it...you might like it!

And So It Continues (This Old House Part IV)

2010-09-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

Boy, I think somebody should call OSHA. Seriously. Since we started working on the house in earnest, Terry about sliced his thumb off, a box of flooring fell on my big toe and today and whacked my index finger unbelievably hard.

With our appendages throbbing, we do press on, though. We're actually making pretty good progress!

A good start!

Shortly after I got this part done, my big toe got smashed by a box of flooring. Ouch!!

It still throbs!!

The flooring is in the kitchen!!!

Then I snockered my finger.

My Version of This Old House Part Tres

2010-09-06T20:31:00.007-05:00

Yes, I'm still working on my house. It's still not done. But, what has been done is exciting! Terry and I decided to divide and conquer today. His task was the school room/storage-room-soon-to-be-Aly's-room. That room has never been utilized well. When we first bought our house, we converted the kitchen to our school room. I was homeschooling then and thought it would be a great idea to have this wonderful school room full of bulletin boards, library, and desks. I painted it Big Bird yellow on the top 2/3s of the walls and then a bright blue on the bottom. I found a bulletin board border that looked absolutely adorable (it was a bunch of crayons), so I pasted it as a border between the two colors. There was a little alcove off the room that served as my office for many years. It was big enough for a twin bed and a dresser, too, so Jordan ended up landing there for a short time. :-) Anyway, it was a room to top all rooms. But, it didn't work.

Our homeschooling style changed, and the room ended up being a storage room. We kept the bulk of our books, toys and games in there, and the extra TV for XBox as well. Each of the kids had their bedrooms in there while we finished their bedrooms upstairs, but pretty soon anything we didn't know what to do with ended up finding its way to the school room.

Yuck.

A couple of weeks ago, I built a closet in that little alcove. It's really pretty awesome. It had to be disassembled today so that Terry could get in there and close up the window. But it is a to-die-for walk in closet, if I say so myself.

Alyssa has been working at tearing down all the bulletin board border turned wallpaper border for the last couple of days, and has been pretty successful. So, today, Terry was going to finish closing off this window by putting in 2x4s and sheet rock. Then he was going to frame out the door which is next to it. A header was needed.

Then came the blood. I do have a flair for the dramatic, don't I? So, while cutting the drywall, the knife accidentally found its way to Terry's thumb. Lucky for Terry he had just changed the blade so it was really really sharp. The sharpness of the blade created such a clean cut that no stitches were required...just a few drops of super glue! So, a tetanus shot, super glue and a bandage later, Terry finished closing in the window.

A few weeks ago, we were trying to decide how we wanted to change the look of the living room, and we decided that we wanted to kind of go retro with the living room. When we first moved here, there was beautiful wainscot and a chair rail all around the living room. We tried to save it, but it just splintered as we tried to remove it from the walls. Sad day. But anyway, we decided to put a wainscot up again, and Terry did just that. I tried my hand at carpentry today as well, only, I'm glad to say my appendages stayed away from anything sharp. I finished it by putting up the trim around the top.

Now all I have to do is figure out how I will finish it. Sadly, finishing always seems to be a problem with me. I'm trying to decide whether to stain the wood, or whether I should do something fancy with paint and glaze. I have all these ideas running through my head!! I should have never stumbled upon stumbleupon.com.

I may just wait until I get the flooring laid before I decide how I finish the wainscot. I had really intended to start the floor tonight, but it started raining, and I didn't want to saw inside.

That's as good of an excuse as any, I suppose.

Poison Ivy and Perseverance

2010-08-03T05:46:00.000-05:00

While I'm not good at it, and I have a long way to go, I really want to follow the Apostle Paul's example and just follow Jesus no matter what, no matter where. A few days ago I asked, "How do I truly thank God for poison ivy without really being sarcastic?" on my facebook status. I got a lot of answers, some of them funny and some were really concerned for me, but it has been nagging on my mind throughout the day yesterday and even through my dreams at night. I guess when I think about something, I really think about it. :-)

While I was being tongue and cheek and maybe even a little sarcastic on my facebook status, I really thought about how easy I have it compared to so many.

Things like poison ivy, or other silly annoying things help me to practise for the big stuff. How could I possibly sit in prison, being beaten and abused if I couldn't handle a swollen eye from poison ivy? I believe it rains on the just and the unjust. I think the crap happens to the just and the unjust too. The way we respond to the crap shouts out to the world what it's like to go through things with Jesus. When they see us walk through the same things they walk through and when they see us walk through with our Lord, Jesus comes alive to them.

It really shouldn't matter what I'm going through or what my present circumstance is...I want to just walk with Jesus. Plain and simple.

So, to answer my question...How do I truly thank God for poison ivy without being sarcastic? I probably don't. But, I can just thank God. Period. ;-)

Gardening Success

2010-07-26T08:03:00.001-05:00

After I was diagnosed with cancer and while I was recuperating, I had some time to really think and reflect on my life. There were things I was not happy with, so I decided that part of my healing and part of my preventative medicine had to be about incorporating change in my lifestyle.

I noticed that in the last couple of years I had lost my way. I think my soul was a little like my garden. I had simply gotten too busy and too tired to take care of it. Weeds were growing up, what was once beautiful, purposeful creation lay hidden.

My resolutions included setting very strict boundaries with my job. I changed my cell phone number and created some structure for the way people contact me. Also, I get paid for 8 hours of work, so I now work 8 hours. That's harder than you think it is for me, especially when I see that I'm not getting my work done the way it needs to be done. I was reminded of the time when people were chastising Jesus for allowing someone to anoint him with oil because it was expensive and could have been used for the poor fund, and he replied, "the poor will always be among us." He was more interested in the relationship being created.

It's kind of the same with my job. I will always have crises and urgency in everything I do. I won't always have my family around me. They are growing and spreading their wings. I want to be their wind! I can't do that buried in my office.

I am already beginning to reap the benefits of living by my resolutions! My creativity - long lost in the sea of mind weeds - is beginning to flourish! I actually picked colors for my living room and dining room! I have been working at reclaiming my garden, too!

So yesterday, I started with 15 bags of cement and one roll of landscape fabric. My goal is to make a cobble stone path throughout my garden. It felt good YESTERDAY to lift all of these bags. Today, not so much. ;-)

My goal is to work a little at a time to reclaim my entire garden. I want to make it easier to keep up with, as well as show case some of the flowers I just adore.

Wet Cement!

A good start on the path!

My Garden Reclamation Project

The waterfall and stream of my water garden.

The only flower I've planted this year....yet.

Tiny Boxwoods that will grow to 4 foot!

It's always nice to have a hunk like this clean up after me

Part of my water garden.

!

One of my best days - ever

2010-07-24T21:57:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those days that just makes you glad. The deep down, contented glad that comes from contentment, intimacy and fun. Terry and I had one of those days today. We woke leisurely, enjoyed coffee and the internet, and then great conversation. Then I worked in my garden transplanting flowers to new places. My garden is starting to look like someone loves it again! While I played, Terry did too - on his guitar.

We drove to Des Moines, picked up landscaping stuff, shopped a bit and grabbed a bite to eat. The whole time chatting and giggling. We found a garage sale and a solid oak table that is absolutely perfect as a little island for my kitchen. We even had to scrape the bottoms of our wallets to try to come up with the entire amount. We were short $1.25, so asked if she'd take less. I must have looked pathetic, because the owner joined in our laughter and giggling and I got the table. Terry even likes it! I've not had a place to house my pretty yellow pitcher, but today I do. I think I'll put some coneflowers in the pitcher to just top the cake!

Contentment, intimacy and fun. A great combination!

My Version of This Old House Part II

2010-06-25T13:43:00.001-05:00

I am on a color roll!! Once the color worked for the living room, I decided to finish painting my kitchen with the reddish color (Dutch Boy's Brick Fleck). I worked on it throughout the day today. I think it looks a little orangey in the photos, but it looks more like a deep red. I had already painted one wall prior to surgery, and today I finished the south and west walls (very slowly of course). I'm very happy with it.

If I'm feeling up to it tomorrow, I will be working on finishing the cupboards. I want to steel wool the cabinets with mineral spirits and add another stain...to richen the effect. We'll see. I may have my friend and decorating guru help me. ;-) For the rest of today, though, I'm going to replace the outlets in the kitchen!! Finally!!

So far, here's what I've got. Excuse the mess, please.

I feel badly for Terry, though...he has hard jobs like putting in wainscot and leveling the floor so we can lay laminate down. ;-) I get to do the pretty stuff!

I think it's a good thing that I don't get HGTV out here. We'd really be in trouble!

Great Buys!

2010-06-25T08:54:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, Alyssa and I were driving around town when we saw signs for an auction, so we decided to stop by. Are we ever glad we did! I bought several things, but my favorite is this orange beauty! I put it in my cheery yellow office/craft room/spare room. I certainly love auctions!!

I also found a pretty wing back chair that goes super well with brownish green walls in my entry way. No one in my family likes that chair though. What is it about my boys that makes them so picky?? Abe likes the glider rocker I found for his room, and we are all appreciating the SMALL entertainment center.

Alyssa found two really pretty white formal chairs, a table to go with them and SEVEN book shelves. Of course, they are all staying here awaiting her return home and prodding us to complete the room she will be living in. Right now all of her furniture is mixed with my own hodge podge of hand-me-down wonders, so we are certainly trying to complete our projects in the most ASAP way.

Terry assured me that this weekend will be the EPIC Floor Laying Weekend! I am beyond excited about that.

My Version of This Old House

2010-06-23T12:11:00.009-05:00

We've been trying to finish up our house, and update what we've already done. It seems like a very long battle, actually! But today, I wanted to share what we've done recently...

Project Number One:

Phase One Covered Porch: When we moved in to this house, we had a screened in porch that we decided to close in and make part of the house. It was a good plan, but we lost a wonderful thing...a covered porch. Last week, Terry and my boys built a deck (phase one of our plan). Phase two will be to add a roof and railings to the deck. Then, whallah! An old fashioned porch. I'll even get a rocker to go out there.

It's absolutely lovely to sit there in the mornings and drink my coffee! Of course, when we get the roof on, we'll be able to sit under the roof and still be protected by the roof!! Won't that be awesome!

Project Number Two!

We bought some laminate flooring to lay down throughout the downstairs of the house. YAY! However, like almost all of our projects, we have a ton of work to do before we can lay the floor. We decided to go ahead and update the paint, get trim up, etc. etc.

Here's what my living room looked like before:

I loved the rich color of the burgundy, and I love folk art stuff, so the border was just my style. I decided that if we were going to be updating the downstairs, we should really make a go of it, and do it up well. So, I removed the wall border. (Yes, I heard you gasp.)

Next, I painstakingly tried to find a color that would suit us. After weeks of all kinds of paint samples lining the walls of my living room and kitchen, I decided that I would just use my wall border as my paint palette. Turned out to be a good idea, because I found the new color for my living room. Yay me!

Stay tuned for the complete project! I only hope that we get this done pronto. Those of you who know us are laughing. I can hear it!

Humbled & Dancing

2010-06-12T07:05:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had a nice visit with an former classmate, who happens to be my new oncologist. I really liked how he made eye contact while he was explaining things to me and while he was listening to me. I wish more doctors would take the time to do that!

What I found out is that I had a Stage 2a cancer, which is relatively good news. I was able to read the path report and ask questions. Turns out that the cancer went through the muscular wall of the colon and into the fat wall...it didn't go to the outside part of the colon - which is very good. The path report wrote that there were good margins and that there was no indication of it spreading.

I also found out that there is a 70% chance of surviving past 5 years with this stage. I guess that's providing I don't get hit by a bus. ;-)

The jury is still out as to if I will be taking chemo. I guess there is a lot of controversy about whether or not Stage 2a people should have chemo. Some doctors say yes, and some say no. What Dr. Brad suggested is that I participate in a study through which the cancer will be studied to determine whether or not there is a high risk of recurrence. If I am in that high risk group, I will take chemo. If I am not in the high risk group, I won't. I think that sounds like a good idea, so that's what I'm going to do. Plus, participating in this study will provide statistical data for treating people with colon cancer in the future. I like that idea, too.

After my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have had my boobs squished regularly. I suppose getting roto-rootered regularly will now be added to my health care regimen. Lovely.

The Day After

2010-06-09T10:42:00.002-05:00

Of all the things to think about, I've been thinking about this: I'm jealous that I won't have a cool, hippy slogan and mascot that defines me as a cancer survivor. Seriously. Breast cancer victims/survivors get pink ribbons, pretty bras and slogans like "Fight Like a Girl." Since I'm new to the colon cancer scene, I may be mistaken, but I know of no such slogans for me. I can think of plenty, but most are probably not 'clean' language. ;-)Do I even get a special remembrance ribbon? And if I do, will it be brown?? Such things to think about, but it does give you an idea of how my brain works.

On a more serious note, a few days ago, I read a blessing by St. Theresa:

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing,

dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Such a beautiful blessing and so very relevant to me right now. I think the part that stands out the most to me is the prayer for me to trust God that I am where I am supposed to be right now. Such a prayer! If I am where I am supposed to be, then I am experiencing the life I am supposed to experience. I think there is so much good to be experienced, even when you are walking through a scary time. I sometimes need to remind myself to keep my eyes open.

Talking with Jeff, a new friend of mine, yesterday was so encouraging. He, of course, was sad about my news...but as we talked his eyes just shown. He said, "Think of all you get to learn!" Yes. Think of that! I may actually learn more than I have ever wanted to; I appreciate his wisdom.

All of that sounds great, and while I do want to experience the life that brings me closer to God, I've got to admit that I have all kinds of apprehension about what these lessons will entail. I love being in control, I love being independent and I love being strong. I think that some of the lessons I will learn may involve one or all three of these things that I hold dear. That's scary to me. Well, that and physical pain. ;-)

Good News in the Middle of Bad

2010-06-08T07:49:00.000-05:00

So, I went to the surgeon today for a follow up and to find out what the pathology report reported. Turns out that the mass was cancer and learned that it was through my colon wall, which is a little scary. The good news is that the 14 lymph nodes he took held no cancer.

The WEIRD news is that a boy that I went to high school with will be my oncologist. How weird is that?? My surgeon really likes him, and he was my friend's doctor...so while I still think it's weird, I hope I can take him seriously. I will be meeting with him to find out how we will fight this thing. Sounds like chemo is in my future...blech.

Alyssa sent this to me. I like it.

The Road We Didn't Want to Travel Part 2

2010-01-25T08:28:00.000-06:00

So many times since that cold January 26, 1991 morning, I have been able to see God working through our loneliness and pain. I had always heard that God will not allow more than you can bear, and through this journey, I can testify to the truth of that statement.

The journey we've taken through grief did not hit with full impact initially. We were not aware of the mountain ahead of us. As I look down through the years, I can see that we were surrounded by a protective shroud for a while. As we have climbed through each new level, we deal with a different aspect of the grief, but there is a thicker foundation created with each step up this mountain.

One early morning in late August, I was preparing for the day, when I saw all the neighborhood kids gather for the school bus. I had forgotten it would be the first day of school. I watched from my window as the little ones boarded, and I saw some of Ben's preschool classmates clambering up the stairs of the bus. I felt as though I had been running full speed and had hit an unseen wall. I don't know if I can yet describe the impact that sight had on me, but I was reeling.I then called my mom. I told her that I saw the kids get on the bus. She responded like such a super mom. She created a way for me to shed some of my pain safely by saying, "Oh, Honey, I'm sorry. Ben wasn't with them." Then she did the most healing thing. She cried with me.

Sometimes a good rain shower can wash away a lot of crud. Romans 8:26-27, says about prayer: "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God." (NKJV) Prayer has become my lifeline, and God has become my Abba.

There were times that my prayer was simply, "Oh, God." and this verse confirmed for me that my Father made provisions for my humanness and my pain. When my children are hurt, they know they can crawl up in my lap and whimper. They know I don't need an explanation right away, and they aren't looking for words of wisdom during these times. They desire comforting hugs and kisses, and sympathy. If there is a bonkin' (i.e. owie) my children know they will be held, cleaned up and a soothing salve applied.

I realized that God works much the same with me. Because He is my Father, I can go to Him with my hurts and just whimper. When there are bonkins He'll apply the Balm of Gilead to create a Heavenly healing.Sometimes the balm He applied took the form of a friend who had the courage to talk to me about Ben and what they miss about him. The summer after Ben died, my friend Chris sat beside me after church was over, and started talking about the cute things she remembered Ben had done during the Christmas program. She and I sat there laughing and crying together. How that healing salve flowed that morning!

Sometimes the healing salve took the form of a friend who was willing to be persistent enough to cut through some of my pride. A few months after Ben died, I found 17 rolls of film that needed to be developed. When I received the photos, I went through them, seeing two years of Ben's life unfold before my eyes. When I finished putting the photos in an album, I felt as though my world was going to crumble. I just sat down and prayed, "Oh, God, help me." Not much time elapsed before the phone rang. My friend Jill wanted to talk with me. When I answered, she asked, "How are you doing?" Of course, I answered, "Oh, just fine," as cheerily as I could. She paused for a moment, and then said, "Look. God told me to call. What's wrong?" I poured out my heart to her, and once again, the healing salve began to flow.

Sometimes that healing salve was God Himself. There have been times when He has made Himself so close to me that it was as though I was being held in His very own arms. It's been a long time since I have crawled up into my earthly father's lap, but my Abba always has room. Psalm 17:8 says: "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; Hide me under the shadow of Your wings." (NKJV) What a blessed place to be!

Whatever form of healing the Lord has used, I have learned that honesty is the best policy when walking through grief. The times I have tried to bandage the pain myself and be strong are the times I have slipped into depression. When I have been honest with myself about the feelings churning within me and I ask my Heavenly Father for His divine help, I always find in one way or another that I am once again being anointed with that precious balm.

There is an old hymn that says, "He never has failed me yet. I have proven Him true, what He says He will do, He never has failed me yet." How true that has been in my life.

The Road We Didn't Want to Travel Part 1

2010-01-25T08:02:00.000-06:00

Although January 25, 1991 was a day that began much like any other day, by noon, my life was altered. The younger day care kids and my daughter were in her room playing school, while the older two boys were outside playing in the snow. They were having a ball. At 11:05 a.m., I switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer, looked out at the boys and saw that they had got the anchoring cable from the clothes line, and had tied it around the Christmas tree that we had in the back yard. They were pulling the tree around the yard. I remember thinking that I should make them stop because they could hurt themselves with the cable, but they were having so much fun I thought I'd just keep a close eye on them.

I could hear Alyssa and the others playing, and thought that I'd just sort through the kitchen utensils while I was watching the boys. I was sitting in front of the window overlooking the backyard. Then at 11:25 a.m., one of the moms I babysat for came running in, yelling, Ben hung himself!

As I ran barefoot through the snow, I remember thinking, it's okay, I'm a Christian. Everything will be fine. I got to the platform of the swingset to find my son lying there, lifeless. I immediately began CPR on him, thinking to myself that I was so glad I had taken the course. Amazingly, it had all come back to me. I really thought that just a few puffs into him and those beautiful brown eyes would open. They didn't.

Soon my husband joined me and took over the CPR, while I ran into the house so that I could call my pastor. Going inside I found the woman I had asked to call 9-1-1 had been unable to do that, so I quickly called the emergency team to come. After calling my pastor, I ran back to join my husband. As I was going through the backyard, I looked up and had to chuckle at what I saw. I thought to myself, "Well the Calvary is here!" I saw four men who were members of the ambulance crew jumping over our four-foot fence. To this day, I find it odd that I laughed, but I did.

As the paramedics began working on Ben, I stood watching. I was praying for him during this time, and I felt a tug on my shoulders. One of our cops was trying to pull me away from the scene. Because my husband is a cop, there was a bond between all of the emergency workers there and I knew Larry was trying to protect me. When he realized that I needed to be there, he just stood quietly beside me, being the best kind of support: strong, solid and quiet.

We followed the ambulance to the hospital. That's when the absolute seriousness of the whole situation hit me. There was someone rubbing my back, and a couple of other women were asking me questions. I know that they were asking me questions, I could see their mouths moving, but for the life of me, I couldn't process what they were saying. They had a sheet of information they needed, and I really couldn't think enough to answer their questions. It was as though every fiber of my being was filled to over-capacity, and I was unable to process anything sensory. I finally had to just read and write the questions myself, but it was so frustrating. I felt so helpless and bombarded at the same time.

After some time, the doctor announced that Ben was breathing on his own, and my spirit soared with relief. As they prepared for him to go to Iowa City by Life Flight, I thought that if I could just persuade him with the right motivation, I would be able to get him to respond. I began telling him that he was going to be riding in a real life helicopter, and that he just had to wake up to see it, so he could tell me all about it.

As we followed the crew taking Ben to the helicopter, I realized that many of our friends were there, surrounding us. I remember the feeling of relief when I saw our friends there. The nurse who helped deliver Ben when he was born was also there, standing beside me while we watched him being loaded into the chopper. I have thought since about how symbolic and appropriate that was. As the helicopter began to take off, I felt the most incredible pain that I have ever felt in my life. I have described it to others as if a ship's anchor was buried within my being, and the rope it was attached to was tied to the helicopter. As the helicopter lifted up, that anchor ripped through my whole being causing me to double over with the most intense pain I have ever felt. I will never forget that moment, nor that pain. Ever. That was when I knew deep down that Ben was gone. I truly believe that is when his spirit departed.

One of our friends from church came up to me, cradled my face in her hands and spoke to me very slowly. She told me she would take care of Alyssa for as long as we needed. She said not to worry, and then she said she loved me. The gratefulness I felt then and to this day is almost overwhelming. She didn't come to ask me to make another decision. I don't think I could have, although I was deeply concerned for my daughter. She took it upon herself to help in a most tangible way. Throughout the next day, I was often relieved that I knew Alyssa was okay.

The three-hour trip to Iowa City was excruciatingly difficult. My husband and I were afraid to voice our concerns, and yet we found it difficult to voice any hope either. We rode; cradled in each other's arms so unsure of what lay ahead. How awful the unknown can be.

The initial consultation we had with the nurse prepared us for what we would see. Although she tried to give us some hope on which to grasp, we were being prepared for the way our son looked, and why he was attached to so many different things. We were informed that during the flight, Ben had discontinued breathing on his own, and consequently was placed on a respirator. We were also told that the only way his heart was beating was through the medicines in his i.v. drip.

As we walked in to see him, my heart sank. He looked dead already. I held his hand, talked and sang to him, and begged him to wake up. As I did this, his heart rate would go up, and I felt that was a good sign. However, it alarmed the nurses, and they encouraged me to do what I could to keep him still. They explained that any swelling in the brain would get worse by higher blood pressure. It was so hard to do, because I did see faint signs of recognition when I would talk to him. Once I saw his arm go up like he was trying to reach to me, but that was the last time that happened.

So much of the next few hours became a blur to me. Our families began to arrive, and as the waiting room filled up with our brothers and sisters, parents, and grandparents, I began to feel as though reinforcements were now in the camp. Although I felt God's presence in a mighty way, I was comforted by this show of support. We had extended families call us at the hospital, and it was during one of those calls that my dad walked into the waiting room. He was wearing the sweatshirt the kids and I had made him for Christmas. My dad has never been a man of many words, but when he looked in my eyes, he communicated quite well that he would rather die himself than to see me go through this journey. As I hugged my dad, I was so thankful that I could be a little girl, still, in desperate need of her daddy, and I was thankful that he was there for me.

As night fell, it initiated the beginning of the end. Ben's brain was dying, and as a result, he was having seizures. The doctor on call quite candidly told us that we would need to be ready to make some decisions in the morning. He didn't go into detail, but I knew what he was talking about. My mom was with me when the doctor was talking, and I can remember her asking questions of the doctor, so that I would be able to understand all that was going on. My mom has such a quiet strength about her that in her presence, everything seems to be in control. She encouraged me to lie down for a while, and reassured me that she wouldn't leave Ben.

I tried to find a place where I could just scream and no one could hear me, but I couldn't find any safe place. There was a meditation room, but it just seemed so foreign, and didn't feel right. Therefore, I went to take a shower. I knew no one would go in the shower with me, nor would anyone try to get me to talk. I knew that I could take some time there to vent some of the feelings raging inside of me. I feel sorry for the people in the pharmacy next to the shower. They, I'm sure, heard my wailing. I began to plead with God, and to try to bargain with him. I surely didn't want to live without my Ben, and I even offered to trade the baby I was carrying for Ben's life. I am shocked I did that, but I think there is a desperation that occurs, that causes us to see things differently for a while.

After the shower, I was physically spent. I lay down for a bit and did rest for a short time. That morning held test after test, and procedure after procedure, and during those procedures, our families would gather often to pray. Terry and I had started to be resigned that we were looking at a future without our son.

At 2:30 January 26, the neurologist came to us, and talked to us about Ben's condition. She explained that because his brain was dying, he was having seizures. She wanted to put him on a different type of medication that would create a drug-induced coma. She explained that by doing this, she could extend his life. It was during this interview that I realized this doctor did not trust Terry and me. I began to wonder if she thought we had done this to him. When I questioned whether he would truly be helped by this procedure, she would give very evasive answers. I finally asked her, "Will this procedure do anything to promote healing in his body, or will he remain in this vegetative state?"

She replied that the procedure would extend his life by a week to 10 days, but there was no hope of him recovering consciousness. When Terry and I told her we didn't want this procedure done, she looked me in the eye and said, "You don't have any choice. "

It was then that I felt the power of God actually rise within me, and I answered her, "You don't know my God." Terry and I assembled the family, and after explaining everything to our families, we asked for them first to pray for a miracle, but if a miracle wouldn't be granted that God would intervene and take Ben miraculously. I have since wondered if God had allowed everything to happen the way it did in order to bring us to the point of accepting His will.
The twenty of us gathered in a circle, and each took a turn praying for healing. We begged and we pleaded God to heal Ben. Then Terry and I began the cycle of praying for the eternal healing, that God would work a medical miracle so that these doctors would know Who was indeed God. The others began then to pray for mercy.

How I wish I could report that Ben sat up in bed and cried for his momma to come and take all the wires off and yelled that he was hungry. I so wish him to be a physical and a tangible part of our lives today. That didn't happen, but what did happen was a miracle nonetheless. When we finished praying, Ben's condition went from bad to worse. Within two hours, he was pronounced brain dead, and we were allowed to make the decision to remove the life support from his body.
During those two hours, each one had the opportunity to be with Ben alone if they chose, and to spend just one last moment with him. Everyone did. Some sang special songs to him, some talked to him about how much they loved him, and some reminisced the times they had spent with Ben. With the exception of one of my brothers, every one of his aunts and uncles were there, as well as his grandparents, my grandmother and my aunt. During this time, my brother was finally able to get through the phone lines from Iceland. God's grace and mercy have been so evident to me during this journey.

Once everyone had said his or her good byes, Terry and I sat on the bed cradling Ben, while our family surrounded the bed. As they unhooked him from the respirator and i.v.s, someone started singing Jesus Loves Me. Ben never took a last breath, or acted in any way as though he struggled for air. As I held my son for the last time, I marveled at how much heavier he felt. But then, grief can be heavy.

After everyone had left the room, I asked for a bowl of water and a wash cloth so that I could bathe my son. I washed him slowly, by myself, and mentally gathered all the information about his body. I was so afraid that I would forget his sandy brown hair, or those beautiful brown eyes with eyelashes any girl would envy. I took inventory of the scrapes and marks on his body that were results of Ben being a very active and inquisitive child. I made a mental picture of his knees. They were a little different because they looked square.

When I had finished, I spent some time talking with him. I told him how much I loved him. I told him that I didn't think I could bear this, and I promised I would be a better mom than I had been with him. I was young, and impatient for the first couple years of Ben's life, and I felt I needed to let him know that I realized that and I was sorry for it.

I then did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I covered up his beautiful fair body, and I left the room. The body that I had spent over five years caring for, I left in a cold room, by itself.

January 26, 1991 at five in the afternoon was when I began my formal journey through grief. I haven't managed to complete this journey, although I must say that I don't think it will ever be completed. Like all travelers, I have experienced exhaustion, but I have found rest. I have experienced thirst, and it has been quenched. There have been valleys I have had to travel alone with my God, and there have been roads that friends and family have been able to join me.

I have seen the various stages of grief being manifested throughout my life. I've been anxious. I have been very afraid that I would make it hard for my children to be happy because I am grieving. I have been angry. I honestly don't think I've been angry with God for Ben's death, but I have been angry that he died. With the birth of each child I've had since Ben's death, I've had to experience the anger that this is one more child that has been cheated of knowing his big brother. He was such a neat little boy with quite a loving spirit about him.

I've had periods of denial too, I suppose. One day I was shopping in Walmart and I saw that they had little boys' winter coats on sale. I knew that Ben's coat had been getting small, so I picked up a coat I thought he would like, and placed it in the cart. It was as though I had forgotten completely that he had died! I left the cart in the middle of the aisle and left the store, so ashamed and hurt.

Although I never want to have to go through this again, I have come to see great value to this journey. I am a better parent. I know that my faith is real, and that God is real, and that He keeps His promises. I am a better wife. I love so much more deeply than I ever thought was possible. I see that the pain I've gone through has enabled me to know how to help others who are hurting. I seem to be able to sense their pain and despair, though they often hide it quite well. I suppose this means that I have come to accept this. I have, but not in a morbid sense, because I believe that I have hope of seeing Ben again and enjoying his company again, in the presence of our God. That is an incredible hope to me.

I will close with a story about a friend of mine. She called me to tell me of a dream she had dreamed. She felt God had told her to share this dream with me. I'm glad she did.
When the dream began, Suzi was standing in a line of people. The place they were standing was a beautiful garden. It had trees, flowers and fountains all around. Suzi was glorying in the beauty of this garden when she realized that the people ahead of her in the line were waiting to go into a very ugly, barren place. As the line moved closer to this barren wasteland, Suzi was compelled to go forward as well. She wasn't given a choice. As Suzi got closer, she began to get more and more frightened of what lay ahead of her. When her turn came to take a step into the barrenness, she cried out to God, and told Him of her fear. He answered, "Keep your eyes on Me."

She did just that. She took a step, and where she stepped turned into a beautiful, lush, green garden. She continued through that desolation. As long as her eyes were on the Lord, the desolation didn't go away, but where she stepped turned into a beautiful path.

This dream illustrates what I believe God did for me. Losing a child to death is an awful, desolate place. God has seen me through. There have been so many good and wonderful things work out of this heartache; I couldn't begin to mention them all. I have truly come to the place that I can agree with the psalmist when he said in Psalm 30:11, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever."

...and the music continued.

2009-12-13T14:46:00.000-06:00

Ian and The Miller Band played for worship this morning. I may be a little biased, but it is amazing to hear worship flowing from people you live with; knowing the joys and struggles they are going through and watching their talent become complete through their worship to our God is an exciting thing to me. Their first set was very short, but once Pastor Mike started speaking, I was aware that the music continued! Beautiful, soft cooing and shushing and children's movement surrounded me in the auditorium. Occassionally a wee one would squeal and a mother would softly redirect, then another would coo in response to the ebb and the flow of the sermon.

I glanced around the auditorium and felt good. This wasn't a sterile environment made only for adults - it was family coming together and completing the worship.

I was blessed.

Sustenance

2009-10-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

Last night, my good friend came with 3 of her children and we had a sleepover!! They just packed up and left, but my heart is still full. When it comes to friends, I have been so blessed. She is one of those friends, who when we get together we kind of pick up where we left off. During our visit, there weren't awkward breaks in the conversation, but this steady rhythm of conversation late into the night and then early this morning.

The ebb and flow of our conversation reminded me of a river that as it flows its course acquires properties of the various places through which it travels. You know, at the mouth of any river, one could find evidence of the river's entire journey. While elements of its past journey is carried throughout its course, that river continues to move forward to its goal. The water that does not flow, becomes stagnate - not really water you want to immerse yourself in.

It's a great thing to have a rich history with someone and to have that history woven throughout the fabric of your being. But to have a friend with whom you can take that history and move forward is truly beautiful. I love when I have such a rich history with someone that they can read little clues in my expressions, or see through some of the veils through which I speak. I love when I have a friend who has known me a lifetime and loves me anyway. I love being able to have someone rejoice with me when battles are won in my life and who is there to cry with me through the rocky places. It is a great thing to know that at the end of my days, I will have known and loved such awesome people.

It's a good day.

It's Monday.

2009-10-19T07:02:00.001-05:00

Reading through the last few blogs, I realize that I have begun all of them with "So,". It's been quite a while since I've written regularly, and I have to laugh at the little things that remind me of that. When did I start writing my thoughts down with "So,"? My skills are clearly slipping.

I am pleased with the start up of The Gathering. I think we have a lot of little things to adjust, but it's neat to be a part of that energy!! Of course, I'm probably a little biased, but listening to my boys (Ian and the Dillons included) make music is just something that brings me joy. The band did sound good, I think. I loved the exchange of ideas, and I'm looking forward to the time when more are comfortable with discussion.

There is a lot of talk about the budget, especially at the state level. I think we find out this week how it will affect our jobs (DHS). I'm not worried about losing my job, I love it, but I'm not that attached I guess. Part of me still desires to be home more and to be able to focus on ministry primarily. Part of me is concerned about the effect all of this downsizing will have and the amount of work that will be required of those who don't get laid off.

Sadly, we are going to see many, many families devastated by lost jobs, hiring freezes and such. In the last few generations, we have become more and more dependent on our government to take care of those less fortunate than ourselves, which seems to have left the church more inward focused than previously in history. Our government is becoming bankrupt - there is less and less money available to help people. The time for the church to start looking outward and past their own comfort zone has come, I believe.

What a time for the church to shine! The church - the community of believers - is going to be given a beautiful opportunity to worship God in a different way! As acts of worship to our glorious God, we will be able to meet the needs of those around us. What would happen if each member of God's church became convinced of their purpose to care for those around them? We wouldn't need goverment food assistance or universal health care. We wouldn't need parenting classes and child care assistance. Each of us would be about the business of caring for and loving our neighbors.

Big thoughts for a Monday morning, I suppose.

Lord, open my eyes to your calling. Help me to arrange my money and my time to be able to do the work you have called me to do.

The Commissioned Church

2009-10-16T06:56:00.001-05:00

So, I've been reading a book called "Life After Church" by Brian Sanders. I just had to share a piece of what I've read.

"We are like a great warrior who has gotten lost on the way to the battle and been gone so long that he has forgotten what he set out to do. All that remain for the warrior are remnants of the original journey. Hanging over the fireplace is his old sword that stayed close for many years but now just hangs, gathering dust, a forgotten weapon of a forgotten mission. A shield is safely stored there, because the warrior no longer needs protection from anything; his life is all comfort. This may be why he never got back on his way; he found such a comfort in his lostness.
This is the story of the church. Sent by Jesus himself to subdue evil, to destroy all the works of the evil one, to proclaim freedom for the captive and good news for the poor, to declare and establish the triumph of God, we never go there.
We stopped in the city of mediocrity and moderation, and there in the decadence of that city we have forgotten that the city of God is yet to be built. While the rest of the world is wasting away under the tyranny of sin, and hell is having its way with our children, and the poor are sacrificed to the god of material wealth, the church is growing weak and its great weapons - the Word of God and fiath - have become sermon titles and concerpts relegated to the realm of self-help and person inspriation.
We have lost our way, and worse, we have forgotten to care. The battle yet rages. Where is the church?
The church exists to do what God rcreated it to do. For that reason the chruch an never simply be; it also has to do. We might argue that being comes before doing, but however you get to it, Jesus explained that a tree is known by its fruit. In other words, what we do defines who we are and, of course, who we are defines what we do."
"Likewise the church is defined by what it does in relation to what it has been asked to do and its obedience to or compliance with that directive. We have to return to a definition of church that honors this reality."

Yesterday afternoon, my friend and I were sitting on cold bleachers watching a junior high football game and she asked me, "What if the church had been truly about the business of being the church. Do you think government would be like it is?"

That's a good question and really the answer is "who knows?" but I do wonder. If the church was about the business of caring for its neighbor, looking out for the children around them, and feeding anyone they saw who was hungry, I think I would be out of a job. I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. ;-)

This Old House

2009-10-08T23:10:00.000-05:00

So, when we bought this house a bazillion and two years ago, we had great dreams of how beautiful it would grow to be. It wasn't long when those dreams became akin to nightmares! Well, that's exaggerating, but in our early years of raising the kids, we had very little extra money. We did what we could and just lived in a constant state of construction.

My goal right now is to complete our projects that we have already started. A couple of weeks ago, I painted the trim in the dining room. Seriously. Who waits that long to do something like that?

Tonight, I painted the dining room. It is absolutely gorgeous. Tomorrow I'm taking most of the day off, which will be fun, and I will work on the tile in the entry way, and then Sunday I plan to paint the entry way. ONE MORE ROOM WILL BE DONE!! WOOT!

Before I start tearing into the kitchen to finish the mostrous job in there, I am going to paint my little den. I kicked the kids out and made Jordan and Ross bunk together and I now have my own room again. I can't even tell you how excited I am to finish that. Terry worked on the windows; they're ready to put the trim on. I will paint the walls and then paint the trim, put up shelving on the east wall and then work at getting a day bed, a sewing/craft table and a cool chair. That will be nice. Once that room is done, I will update the paint in the living room and then I will go to the school room.

I really don't know why we call it the school room. When we first moved in, that was the first room that got done. I painted it really cool to look like an elementary school and we had cool stuff on the walls. We never used the school room. It soon became a junk room.

Well, hopefully before 2009 leaves us, we will make that room into our family room. I just got tired. I think I will go to bed now. ;-)